Tired of being the GOOD girl.

I don’t know how Josh and I do it. It’s been 2 years. And despite breaking up recently, we still are. But let me get it straight. We broke up, with the same understanding that we’ll still get back together. I need to give you a background first before I give you the reason.

I was feeling uninspired this past year. After graduating from college, I was lying low when all my friends were busy applying for a job. I couldn’t work because my family and I were planning to migrate to Canada. And while waiting for the visa, the conditions were that I should be dependent on my parents, be currently studying and not working. I decided to take a second degree in Accountancy. I studied for a year and felt unsatisfied. I was in a school where I feel so unattached, like I didn’t belong there. I was taking a course I wasn’t enjoying. I wanted to find a job so bad. I thought about the opportunities I didn’t take. And let’s say that late 2010 wasn’t the best for Josh and I. Eventually, I started to feel worthless. My self-esteem began to crumble. I was becoming more and more insecure. Even if Josh and I were okay again and were happy being together, I still felt like something was missing.

And just recently, I decided that it would be better if we go on a break for a while so that I can work on myself. I don’t want to go back to school anymore. I needed to find inspiration in something else. I have to feel good about myself again, find my self-worth. Josh didn’t understand at first because he was so afraid of losing me. And with my decision, I was scared that I was going to lose him, too. But he was so understanding. 

We still communicate with each other. We still see each other. We’re not friends. We’re not special friends, either. I don’t know what we are at all. HAHA! We still say “I love you” and “I miss you”. We still annoy each other and make each other laugh. I think that we built a great support system. I’m still here for him, he’s still there for me. We don’t know what label to put on what we have now. What I know though is that we’re becoming mature people. We allow each other to grow even if it means sacrificing our own relationship. That even if we’re on a break, we’re confident that we’ll still be with each other in the future. I can’t even begin to define how much I love him. I guess that should be in another post. Haha. After all that has happened, after all these years, I’m still this fucking crazy-in-love puppy! Haha.

I hope I find what I’m looking for. I hope my insecurities won’t get the best of me. I want to let go of them and not allow them to eat me up. I know it’s cliche but I have to start believing in myself again. One thing I realized in the past few days is that you have to have a great relationship with yourself first before you can have a great relationship with someone. Just the thought of having a lasting relationship with Josh makes me want to strive harder to be a better person. I guess that’s what you call LOVE. :’)